French kissing is GROSS

"Germs. Spit. Mucus. Old bits of food. That's just to name a couple." Oh, and don't forget about the person's tongue that is being shoved halfway down your throat like they're attempting to use it as a lethal weapon. French kissing is no joke. I understand that these sorts of things shouldn't happen, but they do. And they happen often. Heck, they've happened to me and I was not very happy about them. Personally, I would prefer to not French kiss anyone. Ever. Well, almost ever. The idea of someone coming at me full force, getting ready to put their tongue, full of saliva, all up in my mouth isn't very appealing to me. It never has been and it probably never will be. Maybe it's because I'm a reserved person and I don't like people in my personal space. Especially if it's unwelcomed contact.


Recently, these thoughts have been confirmed by guys who cannot take a hint when a female (aka me) keeps her lips locked while their tongue is trying to force entry. Just to give you a general idea of what I've had to deal with...

There was one guy who practically attacked me like a savaged animal! I was in shock. I gave off no signs of  an overwhelming amount of interest or that I would be okay with that kind of behavior/that something like that would be acceptable. I'm a LADY, for Pete's sake!!! You must have lost your damn mind if you think that was an okay thing to do. I never spoke to him again.

Then there was this time that a man--a grown man--came at my face with his mouth OPENED. Yes, opened. Who does that?!?? I could see his tongue slowly passing his lips, coming towards my mouth as I cringed and kept my lips shut tight. Oh, but did that stop him? No, it did not. I opened my eyes to the nightmare that was his tongue in my mouth. As I tried to pull away he just pulled me in closer. Worst ending to a date ever. When he asked me to go out with him again I told him that I was no longer interested because I hated the way he kissed.


Some people may think that it's not a "real kiss" unless there's tongue. FALSE! A kiss is a kiss. Simple as that. Therefore, there is no need to come at anyone--EVER--with your eyes closed and your mouth open. Ain't nobody got time for ridding themselves of the horrific mental images of someone getting ready to eat their face off. Do yourself a favor, keep it clean and simple when kissing someone on a first date, or a second or third.

In honor of Valentine's Day, here are 14 ways to kiss other than Frenching:

1. Peck- This one is simple, so don't mess it up by pecking your partner into a coma.
2. Eskimo kiss- Gently rub noses with your partner (NOTE: do NOT do this with a runny nose).
3. Butterfly kiss- Flutter your eyelashes with your partner's. Probably not the best idea if you have extremely long eyelashes...you'll stab someone's eye out!
4. Single lip- Suck on your partner's lower lip GENTLY (you're not giving it a hickey).
5. Cheek- Lay one on 'em! But remember, there's nothing cute about saliva all over your face.
6. Lip gloss- Put on a healthy amount of lip shtuff and gently rub your lips against your partner's.
7. Pop rock kiss- You know you used to do this all the time in middle school so don't even front.
8. Marshmallow kiss- Pretend your partner's lips are marshmallows and bounce off of them with each kiss.
9. Spiderman kiss- Need I say more??
10. Air kiss- It's kind of cute blowing air kisses to your boo when they least expect it.
11. Forehead kiss- Exactly what it says...you kiss your partner. On the forehead. The end.
12. Biting- Nibble on your partners lip in between kissing the sweetly.
13. Breath of life kiss- It would be best if you didn't do this right after eating those French fries smothered in chili, onions and sauerkraut. Exhale your breath into your partner's mouth as they inhale.
14. Love kiss- Kiss your partner while thinking sweet thoughts about them. Hey, everyone needs a little tender lovin sometimes!