I want devastating love

Note: The first paragraph was written pre-Clark, probably around February.

A few months ago, I jumped onboard with everyone else in the world and became OBSESSED with the show Scandal. It's just so...so....so scandalous! I love it!!! During the second season, Olivia Pope tells the guy she is dating: "I want painful, difficult, devastating, life-changing, extraordinary love. Don't you want that, too?" The guy then goes on to tell her that love shouldn't be painful or devastating. Then it hit me--I have this completely distorted view of the way I think my relationships should be.

Worst Date EVER

There haven't been many times in my life where I have felt unsafe or scared because of a situation I was in. I have this mentality, like many of us do, that "it" (whatever that it may be) will never happen to me. You always see news stories or hear it through the grapevine that this happened to that person, but never do you think that these sorts of outrageous things could happen to you. Location isn't the only factor, but it has a lot to do with it. Living in New York I should have better prepared myself mentally, but I thank my dad for all of the preventative teachings and countless hours that he sat me down to tell me how it is.

Why people can't handle the truth

Coming to the end of a relationship (any type of relationship) is hard. More than likely, you're going to tell the person the reason you're breaking up with them--like any normal person would do--in hopes that they may become more self aware and change their wicked ways. People always say that they'd rather someone be honest with them than be told a big, fat, juicy lie to spare their feelings. They don't want things heavily coated with sugar or tip-toed around like a sneaky toddler, they want the hard truth. I know I personally would prefer it if someone just gave it to me like it is instead of avoiding me or waiting an entire year to tell me how they really feel as if my time wasn't worth anything. Although people say they want the truth, the fact of the matter is that hearing the truth is hard. Even if it's done with the best intentions, no one really wants to hear the truth.

You're telling people that there's a problem with the way they act, so it looks like you're attacking who they are. You're telling them there's a problem with a situation, so you're telling them that they messed up with the way they handled things and therefore it is their fault. It's never easy hearing that you've done something wrong or that something was your fault--it comes with a very dissatisfying feeling. I've felt it, I've dealt it, denied it and supplied it. The fact of the matter is, the truth can be damaging sometimes for several reasons: 1) the spotlight is being put on an unwelcomed problem/situation, 2) there's the potential of creating a new problem (toying with someone's emotions is never a good thing), and 3) more than likely, a solution or some helpful advice is not being offered as aide to what you did not want to hear. If a solution is being offered, the person may take it offensively and then there's that problem.

When giving it to someone like it is, remember that you're dealing with a person that has real emotions and not just some carbon cut-out, robot freak that used to be your best friend or significant other. You don't want to beat around the bush, but you should be constructive when letting someone know that there's a problem going on. Hey, for all you know, they may be completely unaware and appreciative that you're trying to save them from themselves. Just remember, treat others the way you want to be treated...so let em down easy.

First date, first impressions

First impressions are EVERYTHING. Think of them as the deciding factor whether you will be that job you've always dreamt of or working at a shit-hole for the rest of your life. Within the first few seconds of meeting someone I can already tell if I'm going to like them or if they're going to be a waste of my time. I don't hate many things in life, but if there's one thing that I do hate it's having my time wasted. If you're going to ask me (or any person) out on a date it would be great if you gather up enough information about me to put a couple of good ideas down on the drawing board or that you've asked me for suggestions of things I do and/or don't like so you can muster up a plan of action. Now, I've been on some really awesome first dates and some not so awesome ones where I wanted to crawl out of a bathroom window in order to escape awkwardness/boredom/the guy that was sitting across the table from me. In hopes that this may help someone, I have come up with some things to keep in mind when it comes to first dates.

BEFORE

• PLAN- There's nothing I hate more than meeting up with a guy that asks me what I want to eat or what I'd like to do. You should have asked me BEFORE, like, when we were texting.
• NOTIFY- Let them know what the date will be consisting of so they can dress accordingly. You don't want to show up to dinner dressed like you're going to the club!
• PREPARE- Although this is not an interview, you want to make sure that you have things to talk about and that you're not being socially awkward (in case you normally are).
• ***NOTE: When planning the date, cross out the idea of long walks across bridges or any other ideas that you had where the only means of escaping is by jumping off of/out of/into something. You want the date to be good, but you also want to prepare for the worst!

DURING

• DON'T: complain or rant about your ex, your toe fungus, that funky smell that's been accompanying the itch in your crotch, or how you're a mama's boy.
• DO: compliment her on how nice she looks, look engaged while she's talking, ask follow-up questions, and make her laugh!
• ***NOTE: Unless you've mentioned that you two will be "going Dutch," there should be no reason for you not to pay if you were the one who invited.

AFTER: THE KISS...and other things to follow

• DON'T: assume that she wants to kiss you, come at her with your mouth wide open, slobber on her, shove your tongue down her throat, or be the creep that insists he take her home/make sure she gets home safely after she already told your ass no.
• DO: be a gentleman (maybe it would be appropriate to ask for you), let her know that you had a [insert well-thought out word or phrase here] time, and RELAX! It's not the end of the world.
• ***NOTE:  NO MEANS NO! Don't beg like a puppy dog--it's just sad.

Remember, first impressions are important; especially if you're wanting things to progress (in anything). Be yourself--not a creep or a weirdo--and do something fun! Life's too short to only go on dinner and movie dates. (Check back soon for some fun date ideas!)

Being this happy makes me ANXIOUS.

I love, Love, LOVE the feelings I first have when I'm dating someone--everything is rainbows and butterflies and unicorns and I feel like I'm floating on cloud 9. You enter into this magical realm of bliss where you and your significant other run through fields of flowers, holding hands all day everyday. What could be better?? He's perfect, she's perfect, you're perfect, everything is perfect. It's great! But it doesn't take too long before I realize that things may be too perfect and I start to internally panic, waiting for Godzilla to appear and reign terror on my beautiful, new relationship.

WAIT...

I think I hear him...

No, that was my imagination running wild again. To say the least, I get anxious when I'm too happy. This is REAL life we're talking about, people. Things aren't meant to be perfect and idealism is just an idea. At least that's what I tell myself right before I start conjuring up a list of everything that can and will go wrong in my relationship. You know you do it too! Before you know it, you're hacking into Facebook and email accounts, cracking iPhone and Android locked phone codes, and following them around like Sherlock Holmes trying to solve the mystery of why all hell hasn't broken lose with your close-to-perfect better half. (I say "better" because clearly you're insane if you're doing all of that extra stuff, which automatically makes them better.)

Why do I do this to myself?? Why do YOU do this to yourself? It's not that I don't want to be happy or that being happy upsets me. I think it's more of the fear of failure--adding another name to the list of relationships that have gone down in shambles because I [insert absurd idea about why you're not good enough here]. As I've gotten older, I've realized that I get anxious not so much because I'm waiting for things to go wrong, but I'm more so anxious to know whether or not that feeling is going to fade away. I'm a firm believer that if you're with the right person, despite the lows and the occasional arguments that every couple has, the highs will always be higher than your lows and happiness will always radiate from your face when you're with one another.

Don't be anxious for things to fall apart, but for the right things to fall into place.

Have you met my friend OkCupid??

I was first introduced to the wonderful world of online dating by a girl friend on my City Year team shortly after I moved to New York. To be perfectly honest, I'm not too sure why I joined after hearing the horrors of what were supposed to be "first dates." I went against my better judgment and lined up suitor after suitor to go on dates with. Hey, dinner is dinner when you're poor and living off of change that your students give you to put towards getting a TV. This was the first time in my young adult life that I was not committed to any single person and I wanted to take complete and full advantage of it. Besides, what better way to go to cool places throughout New York City than to have some dude who's already been living there for a while take you...and pay!

Lucky for me, my first date went pretty swell. I met this guy in the St. Marks area (which later became one of my favorite areas of all time) where he took me to this awesome place called Marks Burgers (soon to become one of my favorite restaurants) and a speak easy bar. In the midst of a conversation, we found that we both liked Macklemore and he just so happened to have an extra ticket for ME! Now, I had already decided that I would never date this guy, but I wanted to go to that concert and it was already sold out. So again, I went against what my mind was telling me and went to that concert with him the following week. I had a BLAST...until the end of the night came and he wanted to kiss me before we went our separate ways. Although he was polite and asked, I said no, to which he followed with the same damn question. I'm sorry, but since when did "no" mean "maybe" that it would make you think it's okay to ask again. For the sole reason that I wanted to hear him stop talking as he waited with me for my train, I gave him a peck and then ran onto said train that had just reached the station--in time to save my life!

I never went out with him again. Clearly we weren't on the same page and he was looking for something that I didn't want to give him. Had he been okay with just being friends then I think things could have worked out. The funny thing about online dating is that it's really hit or miss. Either you meet guys who genuinely don't have time to meet girls because of work/school/other important things and are trying to look for something while being normal about it. OR you meet guys that are wankers and 1) can't meet a girl because they are socially awkward, 2) aren't really looking for anything other than to...you know what, 3) like playing games, just want to waste your valuable time. With that being said, online dating is just as draining--if not more draining--than meeting douche bags at bars on a weekly basis. Remember, you can block people online, but it takes longer to get a restraining order for that creep you met last week downtown on the strip.

French kissing is GROSS

"Germs. Spit. Mucus. Old bits of food. That's just to name a couple." Oh, and don't forget about the person's tongue that is being shoved halfway down your throat like they're attempting to use it as a lethal weapon. French kissing is no joke. I understand that these sorts of things shouldn't happen, but they do. And they happen often. Heck, they've happened to me and I was not very happy about them. Personally, I would prefer to not French kiss anyone. Ever. Well, almost ever. The idea of someone coming at me full force, getting ready to put their tongue, full of saliva, all up in my mouth isn't very appealing to me. It never has been and it probably never will be. Maybe it's because I'm a reserved person and I don't like people in my personal space. Especially if it's unwelcomed contact.


Recently, these thoughts have been confirmed by guys who cannot take a hint when a female (aka me) keeps her lips locked while their tongue is trying to force entry. Just to give you a general idea of what I've had to deal with...

There was one guy who practically attacked me like a savaged animal! I was in shock. I gave off no signs of  an overwhelming amount of interest or that I would be okay with that kind of behavior/that something like that would be acceptable. I'm a LADY, for Pete's sake!!! You must have lost your damn mind if you think that was an okay thing to do. I never spoke to him again.

Then there was this time that a man--a grown man--came at my face with his mouth OPENED. Yes, opened. Who does that?!?? I could see his tongue slowly passing his lips, coming towards my mouth as I cringed and kept my lips shut tight. Oh, but did that stop him? No, it did not. I opened my eyes to the nightmare that was his tongue in my mouth. As I tried to pull away he just pulled me in closer. Worst ending to a date ever. When he asked me to go out with him again I told him that I was no longer interested because I hated the way he kissed.


Some people may think that it's not a "real kiss" unless there's tongue. FALSE! A kiss is a kiss. Simple as that. Therefore, there is no need to come at anyone--EVER--with your eyes closed and your mouth open. Ain't nobody got time for ridding themselves of the horrific mental images of someone getting ready to eat their face off. Do yourself a favor, keep it clean and simple when kissing someone on a first date, or a second or third.

In honor of Valentine's Day, here are 14 ways to kiss other than Frenching:

1. Peck- This one is simple, so don't mess it up by pecking your partner into a coma.
2. Eskimo kiss- Gently rub noses with your partner (NOTE: do NOT do this with a runny nose).
3. Butterfly kiss- Flutter your eyelashes with your partner's. Probably not the best idea if you have extremely long eyelashes...you'll stab someone's eye out!
4. Single lip- Suck on your partner's lower lip GENTLY (you're not giving it a hickey).
5. Cheek- Lay one on 'em! But remember, there's nothing cute about saliva all over your face.
6. Lip gloss- Put on a healthy amount of lip shtuff and gently rub your lips against your partner's.
7. Pop rock kiss- You know you used to do this all the time in middle school so don't even front.
8. Marshmallow kiss- Pretend your partner's lips are marshmallows and bounce off of them with each kiss.
9. Spiderman kiss- Need I say more??
10. Air kiss- It's kind of cute blowing air kisses to your boo when they least expect it.
11. Forehead kiss- Exactly what it says...you kiss your partner. On the forehead. The end.
12. Biting- Nibble on your partners lip in between kissing the sweetly.
13. Breath of life kiss- It would be best if you didn't do this right after eating those French fries smothered in chili, onions and sauerkraut. Exhale your breath into your partner's mouth as they inhale.
14. Love kiss- Kiss your partner while thinking sweet thoughts about them. Hey, everyone needs a little tender lovin sometimes!

It's not me, it's YOU

For some unknown reason, I'm never completely on the same page as the guy I'm dating. Either I'm over here frolicking cluelessly through the green pastures of love or I'm way over yonder twiddling my thumbs, spinning around in circles trying to figure out what the hell this fool wants from me. To be fair, I'm an extremely complex creature that's both emotionally draining and insane...just like every other girl. WAIT, what am I saying?? That doesn't sound like me at all. I'm pretty simple. Feed me, make me laugh, show me adventure and spend quality time with me and I'll be happy. Of course there are the obvious things such as being honest with me and complimenting me every 15 minutes on how smart/beautiful/funny/ravishing/wonderful I am, but there's no need to demand the obvious. As I've gotten older, I feel that I've become more open about my wants and needs before casually dating someone so we can avoid that awkward stage where neither one of us is aware of the other's expectations. Despite my efforts, I somehow always find myself in that place. Clearly, this isn't completely my fault. Guys have repeatedly put thoughts and ideas into my head that I would have never thought of on my own because, in reality, those things were nowhere near what I wanted. I've come to the conclusion that it's not me, it's YOU. You, dear sir, are the problem. I'm convinced that guys get together, plot and come up with things to tell us females to 1) confuse us and 2) make us think we're crazy because we were the ones who thought of it first.

If this clown hadn't brought up the stupid idea of a long distance relationship, vacationing in Europe, marrying me, then I would have never entertained the idea. Unfortunately, with the way many of us females work/think, we begin to romanticize these ideas. Who wouldn't want to take an adventure of a lifetime with a super cool dude?? Again, it's not my fault, and it's not your fault either lady, it's HIS fault. So stop thinking it's completely your fault and accept the fact that although he may play dumb, or maybe he actually is dumb, he could also be using you as his personal puppet, just stringing you along in high hopes that he'll confuse the crap out of you in order to make him appear less confused and crazy.

Here are some of my favorite things that guys have done/told me that confused the heck out of me:
1. The guy who put the idea of marriage into my head and then got upset with me when I said we should do it
2. The guy who told me we didn't talk enough, then told me we talked too much and got upset with me for making him too happy
3. The guy who made me believe that I was the one, but later decided I was a bi***, ignored me for over a year and then decided he wanted to ruin my life all over again

Feel free to share some of the ridiculous things that guys have done or said to you in the comments below!

Dazed and confused

When I was younger, my father had me write out a list of "non-negotiable" qualities/traits my ideal guy would have. Of course my list consisted of important things (to me) such as having a relationship with God, possessing a great sense of humor, has ambition and drive, smells nice, has a great smile, arms of a Greek god, epic taste in music, etc. etc. As I've gotten older, I've added and taken away many things from that list as I continue to date and find things that I do or don't like in a guy that I might possibly want to spend the rest of my life with. My best friend always tells me that both it and I are absurd and that no guy could come close to possessing half of the things on my constantly changing list. Recently, I've gained this odd obsession with guys that have face tattoos. Yes, I said it, face tattoos. A bit silly since I also want the guy I date to have a good job, be an active member of his community and a strong social figure for little kids to look up to. It became even more evident how ridiculous I was being as my best friend (who is all too familiar with the struggle associated with establishing a career when you're covered in tattoos) was mocking me one night: "I want him to have face tattoos, but he has to have a good job! Are you stupid or something?!" Now, I'm not saying that someone with face tattoos can't have or be all of these things, but the chances of me coming across that is highly unlikely.

At first, I wasn't too sure where it came from. I've always told people that if they're going to get tattoos then it should be in a place that can be hidden so that it doesn't hinder them in life. (Let's face it, they're still not completely socially acceptable in most work places.) Then it hit me. I don't really want a guy with face tattoos--although maybe a sleeve or chest piece of some sort would be sexy--I want a guy that is comfortable with not conforming to social norms. I want a guy that is just as confused and free spirited as I am. A guy that has his career in place and knows exactly what he wants is less likely be accepting or understanding of the fact that I love doing volunteer work or that I don't really know what I want in life right now or that I'm currently taking time for myself to do the things I love. Why? Because society says that by this point in my life I should have my ish together...and I don't. Since coming to this realization, I've become accepting of the fact that I don't know what I want--in a guy or with my life--and that's okay. At least there's clarity in that.

What important qualities do you look for in a significant other? Here are some things that have been on my list:

Good communicator (verbal and non-verbal aka listening)
Trustworthy
Intelligent
Has morals and values
Family oriented
Team player
Good dental hygiene (it's very important to me and it should be to you)

And some not so important things...

Face tattoos...or any tattoos for that matter
Has a sexy accent
Dresses like a boss
Extremely good looking
Bad ass car (seemed important in HS, and now I could care less)

Wait. You mean this was a date???

One of my biggest fears in the world, as stupid as it may seem, is casually going to hang out with a dude and being slapped in the face with the harsh realization that A) he's digging me or B) this casual hang out is actually a date. Too many times I have caught myself in a situation where I'm out having dinner or drinks with a male friend, or someone who I thought was just a friend, when all of a sudden it happens. "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey is playing in the background and he finally gets the courage to shift his body towards mine and the next thing I know there he is with his hand on my leg as we laugh at some stupid joke that was just made. HOLD UP, wait a minute! I thought we were just catching up, having drinks at a bar. Apparently I didn't get the memo that the words: "we should catch up/go grab some [insert food or beverage type here]" actually means: "SURPRISE! You're my Valentine." What does one even say to that?? A simple "thank you" might do. Or would a blank stare be sufficient? I've never really been able to decide which is the worse of two evils. I'm not very comfortable acknowledging his efforts nor am I okay making him feel like a total and complete dumb ass for not being more clear with his intentions. Maybe I was unclear about his intentions. Either way, I fear where he may try and go with this since we clearly aren't on the same page.

I usually spend the rest of the night trying to throw subtle hints that I'm really not into him. I cross my legs away from him, I talk about some guy that I've recently gone on a date with, I try to look as bored as possible in high hopes that he might realize that I'm just not into him in that way. Despite my efforts, I think every time I smile at the lame jokes he makes he gets the impression that this is going somewhere--it's not. I try to mentally prepare myself for the awkwardness that will be our goodbye: a handshake, maybe a side hug, an attempted kiss as we hug, Lord only knows what it will be. Unfortunately, I have lost track of the number of times that I've had to swerve away from a lame attempt at an unwelcomed kiss and bumped heads with a guy, making things even more uncomfortable. There's nothing like getting yourself into a situation that you don't know how to get out of, am I right? So here's a little advice (to my future self and you) from what I've learned...

GUYS:
Unless you enjoy embarrassing yourselves, learn to take a hint. Also, don't assume that a girl is on the same page as you if you didn't explicitly state that what you were doing was going to be a date.

LADIES:
Do yourself a favor and don't go out with guys alone unless you're positive that they're just a bro. The world runs on reciprocity and if he wants to hang out with you alone it's because he's looking for something in return...like your mutual affection.

I know we've all been in these types of situations. What would/did you do??

Where are all the good guys??!?!

In the friend zone...where you left them. Where we all left them. I know we all say that we want a "good guy" that will treat us like a Queen/Princess/magical unicorn, but I'm convinced that what many of us want (myself included) is someone that treats us like total and complete crap. Wait, before you start disagreeing with me, let me explain myself. I've noticed, not only in myself but in my female friends as well, that we subconsciously gravitate towards assholes and guys that we feel need to be "fixed" or "worked on." Sure, maybe initially you thought this guy was Prince Charming with his smooth talk and swagger of a high school boy, but then little red flags began to pop up here and there. He doesn't text you back, but you know he has his phone because you lurked every piece of social media he has and he just revined that video and liked that photo on Instagram and favorited Justin Beiber's tweet. He doesn't practice good hygiene and expects you to wait on him hand and foot. He called you by another girls' name, but it was an accident because you know he only loves you. Whatever small thing it is, it's a red flag. What I'm getting at here is that females tend to be entranced by these losers and d-bags and psychos because we want to feel needed. We NEED to feel needed. Who better to be needed by than some p.o.s. who can't take care of himself or is emotionally unstable? We put so much time, effort and energy into trying to fix someone else, that we completely lose who we are because we are so caught up in this other person. Then, when we finally realize that all of our efforts were for naught or he breaks it off because it "just wasn't working" for him, we break down and go crying to these guys that we friend-zoned 8 months ago because we thought Tommy over here was sooooo perfect and now he's just an asshole who broke our heart. All along, you had this great guy (a frequent victim of unrequited love) sitting around conjuring up sexist feelings, wondering why you and every other female he knows are such dumb asses--including his mother. So before you go having a pity party because there are no "decent guys left" for you to date, remember that you tied them up, blindfolded them and locked them in the closet.

TO BE CONTINUED...