Being a 24 year old female is hard. It's just down right difficult! On one hand there are shows like HBO's Girls and New Girl and Broad City that tell you it's okay to be single and having fun--still trying to figure everything out. Just embrace it! Then on the other hand, I scroll through my Facebook feed and see numerous engagement and baby announcements, photos of friends from high school that have gotten married, and college friends taking family photos in bright colored fields of Indian paintbrushes and those infamous Texas bluebonnets. I find myself battling this great internal conflict between what I want now and what I thought I would want now (at this point in my life).
I used to think that by this age I would be married, getting ready to have kids and settled in a career that I enjoy. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be where I am now. Then again, who ever thinks they would be where they are now? Not many people. My greatest fear was that I would never have a family of my own, never be able to feel the joy of that. Now, marriage and children are so far out of sight they almost seem intangible. Sometimes, I don't know if I'm going left, right, up or down.
Deep inside of me is the yearning for that big family (all 100 kids included) that I wanted when I was a little girl. But buried even deeper is the urge to be free and to experience a life of my own without the restrictions that come along with having someone to be committed to. I always thought that I was the type of person meant to be in a relationship and for a decent amount of my life I have been. I remember sitting in the music hall in middle school, talking with Jessica Lopez and wondering why certain girls had boyfriends and we didn't. To be in a relationship is what I had always wanted...until I had the opportunity of moving to New York City.
I started a journey with an extremely diverse group of people in an equally diverse community and had the awakening of a lifetime. This city never sleeps and the people are always up to something and the energy is always flowing. It's just so alive! It was here that I found myself and was able to embrace the free spirit that I am; it was here that I was able to begin to experience life without a significant other; and it was here that I was able to take the first step towards doing something for me. To be able to do things that once seemed so far out of reach that they were only a dream--to me, that's a beautiful thing.
Currently being in a city that is so centered around family, I find it hard not to think about finding someone to settle down and have a family with. I mean, everyone's doing it! I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with getting married or having children at this age. Being a self-declared feminist, I personally think it's a wonderful thing and a big accomplishment despite what other feminists may say or think. Not everyone can raise children or balance work-life and family-life successfully. At this point in my life, I think my selfish needs to do things I want and love outweigh my desire for a family life. Following your dreams isn't always easy when you have a family or are older. It's doable, but if I have the opportunity to do something different then I'm going to take it; and that's exactly what I'm doing.
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